China revisited

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Just sitting in Vienna airport from Beijing waiting for a transfer back to London in about 4 hours. This might not be my sharpest post ever been on the go for 17 hours so far, 10 to go.

What a week. I can't say I would've chosen to hit up China at this particular time in my life, in fact I stated on numerous occasions I wasn't leaving this continent in 2012 but when your best friend gets married you just gotta go.

So it was with tired eyes and suit in hand after tidying up the loose ends of my life the summer hit me with I arrived in Heathrow airport. Our random band of travellers assembled. James (groom) Robin(dad) , Chris(mum), Priya (bridesmaid) and me. What followed is hazy, London to Munich,  Munich to Beijing, Beijing to Yen tai by way of 3 flights, quite a few beers and snatched bouts of sleep along with shit air food. It's fair to say we didn't know what, who or where we were by the time we were deposited in some distant hotel in the middle of some night.

First up a chinese breakfast is shock to the Western system. Pickled veg, steamed bread, beans, various egg things. Christ I forgot how bad this was, and I love real Chinese food. Oh and any hotel that wants to be considered modern, and worldly, get some GET SOME GOD DAMN COFFEE IN! Milk ain't gonna cut it. Jet lag people!!

 A spot of tourism round the island the next day. A future tourist destination, 26billion currently being blown on hotels and gaudy statues. Felt like what I imagine Europe/ coastal Spain was like in 1975. Speedboats and no internet. It ain't quite ready yet but it was worth seeing. Good weather but spirits at this stage were a bit low, jet lag had kicked all our asses and the bride - Lisa (who arrived a week earlier) and the rest of China were intent on showing us a good time, bless you, but leave me alone for a couple of hours please!

That night was the first of many banquets that were to follow. Hosted by Lisa's dad, it cost over a months wages apparently. Shrouded in ceremony all designed to show respect to everybody. Those Chinese like to supply approximately 9x more food than necessary(oppulance) and toast the table with filthy firewater called Bijou(sp?) 50%, Repeatedly. Some kind of game of get the westerners shitfaced ensued. Like shooting a quadruple vodka straight. I pussed out and switched to beer pretty quick. Losing considerable face, especially seeing as Priya did not (and also out drank every man when they finally switched to beer) the alternative was spewing at the table, which I'd imagine would lose me considerably more face. There would be more time to salvage my rep, but actually I think the damage was done. Anyways everyone was hungover to hell the next day apart from me. Ha.

Headed into Yen Tai city with Priya the next day, For a brief look around the mainland city. Nothing special, we saw an ornamental lighthouse. Then onotwedding rehearsal. James looked so massively fucked off when we finally caught up that evening, jet lagged, hungover nd forced to drink bijou everywhere he went. They really only have the one drink.

Following day was the wedding, up at 6am. Breakfast, video camera in our faces. Dressed, some more dodgy video shots in the grooms room, with cheesy chinese video man. Why am i made to be high fiving my best mate? We never do that shit. Then into a cavalcade of crazy Mercedes cars and driven to Lisa's old house. Fireworks, hundreds of people. Ceremonial food with James, Lisa's uncle, dad, and Pryia. A whole table of it. Walked into the kitchen and it was then i saw a huge bowl of silkworms. Shit. I knew I was gonna have eat one. But not before a shot of Bijou. Naturally. God damn it was bad. They pop  when you bite them. Shouldnt've swallowed it whole. It was all I could do not to wretch. Somehow I kept it down. Then James had to battle into Lisa's room, past lots of aunts, put her shoes on, and basically kidnap her.

So said shanghai'd bride was thrown into a Merc and we hit the road. By way of about a million photos all around the island. This went on a while. Then onto the reception. It's bout 10am by now. Rock up at the hotel, there's inflatable dragons red carpets, fireworks, confetti canons. Fuck me Chinese fireworks are dangerous, these guys are super cavalier about letting them off too.

Priya and myself had pretty simple jobs, open the doors for the bride, get to the front discreetly, and I deliver the rings, easy. I didnt lose them. Priya serves the ceremonial tea and winewine. Worst job. She managed to get lost at one point, appearing in a spotlight mid room. The music was epic, the parents came in to Pirates of the Caribean theme, strobe lights. I think Lisa walked up the aisle to Alladin theme song. all very dramatic. The ceremony had the Chinese equivalent of Dale Winton hosting. He was loud and annoying and a relative dispatched him after the important bits and we started eating.
Que us all at the head table with the most amazing food.Abalone, prawns the size of your hand, oysters,scallops, seafood heaven.

But there was no jerking around with beer today, nosir. Two full glasses of red wine. Gambei! Then onto the firewater Bijou. We had been warned we would get nailed in the toasting, James said figure out who's the most senior and try and take them down with you. Well, Robin James' dad shouted at me across the table "let's do it for the British empire" and we attempted to hold our own at the table. But there were too many uncles,and people wanting to toast us. By 3pm we were done, I remember chairs on tables I think, next thing I know I came to around 6pm not knowing how I got to my room, but was suprisingly sober. So we took off for some Chinese BBQ in a micro brewery. Great beer. Strong. Second time in the day I saw a bowl of silkworms. This time I took a picture.

Pretty hungover the next day. To be expected. Finally a day to ourselves. I think robin took off that night. He didn't make the BBQ previously, and had slept 14 hours after the toasting. Lol. Not before another epic lunch and dinner. Probably the fifth huge meal by this point.

Day after we made a 10 hour drive to zao zhaong(?) Lisa's other home town. It would've been 8, but a truck full of gas canisters blew up in front of us on the motorway. As so often happens.

Day of hanging in town, which is a LOT busier than yen tai island.
dinner and Lisa's mum and dads house. Home cooked Chinese food, premium, Tsing Tao Export beers and the family photo books. Priya was feeling ill so got out of there before more bijou. Really nice hose. The Chinese home are all so clutter free.

Then one last ceremony for this part of the family. Just a meal with conservative drinking. It was in a huge restaurant. Three of us got sat down and had to sit there while about 20 Chinese people had cameras in our faces. Surreal.

Maglev train at 304kmh back to Beijing pretty tired without any translators for the first time. Accidentally got illegitimate taxi (not a taxi) I felt a bit stupid when realised we got hoodwinked. No issue. just the outlay. In another country could've ended badly. Must rememebr that lesson.

Last mad day of Beijing. Priya, had found us a driver and planned a serious itinierary. Up at 6 to the Great wall at Mutianyu. So early it was empty, before swarms of typical tourists rocked up in droves. Amazing. So a chairlift up, climb the wall for half an hour then a toboggan down!

Then onto the forbidden city,Impressively huge, fairly dull. Spot of lunch. Then haggling and getting my iPhone fixed by a lovely Girl call "Mary" at the Pearl market. Then onto the temple of heaven. I was dead. Priya is a tourst taskmaster!



One last Chinese meal then back to hotel, highly amusing conversation and reflections ont he trip. Then 3 hours sleep. Airport. Vienna. And next London.

Thats was long I might write another short post reflecting on my thoughts in a couple of days when I've not been drinking Austrian beer. Probably not though. Feels good to be back. But I kinda miss the laughter of the trip.